The name Pushing Pink Elephants begins with a little story...
After one of my many doctor appointments since learning I had breast cancer, Steve and I decided to stop and get lunch on our way home. As we were sitting waiting for our food, the R.E.M. song "The Great Beyond" was playing in the background. One of the verses is "I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs." I think I might have been mid-sentence and Steve said, "This is your song." I had no idea what he was talking about. He said, "Listen to the song that is playing. It said I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs. That's what you are doing." Steve said that beating cancer would be like pushing an elephant up the stairs. The inspiration for my blog name was born and later would become the name of a non-profit organization where a group of passionate individuals came together with a common goal.
In 2011, Pushing Pink Elephants became an approved 501c3 non-profit organization. Alongside some fantastic individuals, we are pushing beyond cancer awareness; inspiring and empowering healthy lifestyle changes. Learn more about this great organization here.
The story of Erin & Steve;
We met in high school through mutual friends. He liked to party and smoke, I was a little sheltered homeschool girl. Turned off by his smoking we didn't hit it off right away, but continued to run in the same circle of friends. In 2001 we found ourselves at a New Year’s Eve party together and Steve asked me out for a movie the following night. I should take it back a few months prior to this. There was a Jeep Cherokee for sale by owner and it turned out both of us were looking at it. Somehow I got the Jeep and Steve was quite disappointed about it. His pick-up line that night on New Year’s Eve was that he wanted a ride in what should have been his Jeep. He ended up spending the rest of that night with me and my friends who were house sitting together. We ended up dating and he ended up with the Jeep in the long run anyway.
We dated from 2001 to 2009 when we got married. We lived together for over 7 years prior to marriage. We had a blast during this time and made amazing memories with friends and family. In 2012, coming up on our 3rd wedding anniversary and 2 months from turning 31, we received my 1st cancer diagnosis. We had just welcomed our beautiful daughter into the world just 4 months prior to this. I was just getting back into the groove of working full time and we were easing into parenthood alongside our friends who were in similar stages of life. Life was busy to say the least. There were evenings when I was stuck in traffic manually pumping breast milk while driving up 95 trying to get home to feed her. I went from a normal mom to quitting breastfeeding cold turkey the day I was diagnosed. I remember how quitting breastfeeding was hard and extremely uncomfortable. There was a day we went to the movies for a girls date and I sat in the theater with cabbage leaves in my bra to help with the swelling. Not a fun experience to say the least.
2012 was a hard year. Hard on me physically, hard emotionally for us all, hard on our marriage and relationships with friends and family. Just down right hard all around. One of the hardest parts of a cancer diagnosis is moving on. Seeing others move on and continue with their normal lives when you don't feel you are able to move on, let along see far into the future. Friends continue to grow their families as we were closing the door on ever having more children. We thought about it, visited all the doctors to discuss our options at this point in my treatment, but weighing the pros and the cons we decided against the options presented to us. That was hard - hard decisions, hard doors to close forever, and hard and painful discussions required. Life went on....................... Still hard to find the new "normal." My years following this diagnosis were challenging for me emotionally and physically.
Fast forward a few years to 2017 just after my 36 birthday we again face a new and more challenging cancer diagnosis. Stage 4 with extremely advanced cancer basically everywhere in my body except for organs. Our daughter would be entering kindergarten that fall and life seemed to finally be our new "normal". I was working full time again at a very successful position and company. I was working my way up! WAMMY, another crisis to deal with as a family. This time it came with an inquisitive 6 year old who asks a LOT of questions. She asks fairly often why she is an only child and why she does not have siblings like a lot of her friends. Why is mommy always sick or at a doc appointment? Why can’t she pick me up from school today? Constant questions that need serious, but age appropriate answers.
I will say that between Steve and me, when I compare 2012 to 2017 we have grown in our marriage/relationship and really have come together as a team. Steve has had to take on an extreme amount of stress and responsibility through this newest diagnosis. He has stepped up to the plate with amazing resilience. It’s stressful and the decisions are not just about diagnosis and treatments this time around. They’re about disability insurance, financial decisions that affect the family, and time sensitive decisions. This is not just a one and done move on type of situation. It’s a forever diagnosis that we will deal with for the duration of our lives together.
We are far from perfect as we deal with this crisis, but we are coming to terms with it and dealing with what we have to deal with. Most importantly we are dealing with this together, as a family. There is no crystal ball were we can see into the future and no magical pill or medicine to help heal my body from this advanced disease.
We take it step by step, day by day, and month by month.
One of my favorite songs during this time is The Sun Is Rising by Britt Nicole. The lyrics of this song really resonated with me and I look for the sun to rise each day as we face this time on our lives.
When life has cut too deep and left you hurting
The future you had hoped for is now burning
And the dreams you held so tight lost their meaning
And you don't know if you'll ever find the healing
You're gonna make it
You're gonna make it
And the night can only last for so long
Whatever you're facing
If your heart is breaking
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
And the sun is rising
And the sun is rising
Sun is rising
And the sun is rising
Every high and every low you're gonna go through
You don't have to be afraid I am with you (I am with you)
In the moments you're so weak you feel like stopping
Let the hope you have light the road you're walking
You're gonna make it
You're gonna make it
The night can only last for so long
Whatever you're facing
If your heart is breaking
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
The sun is rising
And even when you can't imagine how
How you're ever gonna find your way out
Even when you're drabbling in your doubt
Just look beyond the clouds
The sun is rising
The sun is rising
Just look beyond the clouds
The sun is rising
The sun is rising
Whatever you're facing
If your heart is breaking
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
The sun is rising
The sun is rising
The sun is rising yeah
The sun is rising ooh oh
Yeah yeah
Even when you can't imagine how
How you're ever gonna find your way out
Even when you're drabbling in your doubt
Just look beyond the clouds
Even when you can't imagine how
How you're ever gonna find your way out
Even when you're drabbling in your doubt
Just look beyond the clouds
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