It is hard to believe a full year has passed since my diagnosis on
February 10, 2012. What a year it has been. I think back over the last 12
months and feel so incredibly grateful and truly blessed. So many people have
made a difference or had some sort of influence in my life. I was surrounded by
people who truly cared about me and my family; who rallied around us
as we made the tough decisions regarding treatment and surgery. During the Super Bowl game (where my hometown of Baltimore won by the way) a friend asked
if I felt like it has been a dream now that it’s pretty much behind me. My
immediate response was, “yes, a very bad dream.” But then I started thinking, and it really does feel like a dream. In the moment, my treatment seemed long and stretched out in
front of me as I moved through my treatment process from surgery, chemo, more
surgery, to radiation. It seemed like there was no end in sight as I moved
through the process. Then, all of a sudden here I am, one year later, with just
one more surgery in my future. I remember feeling sick, being in pain, and
having no energy, but it all seems like a
long time ago. As I was reflecting on this dream feeling, I realized just how
quickly I have returned to a “normal” place in my life. A place where I feel I
can plan a future and where my personal world is not standing still. A place
where I get up every morning, take Char to daycare, continue on to work, leave
at the end of the day to go home, and spend time with my family and friends. Weekends
are starting to fill back up with plans and events as we spend time with
friends. I take full credit as being the “planner” of our little group of
friends, who in a lot of ways are a little family unit. During my treatments, I
stopped making plans and we did not all get together as much as we had in the
past. One day (I think in December or January) I realized, ok let’s start making plans
again. I am pretty sure in one day I had sent 10 emails (this may be a slight
exaggeration, but it was a lot all in one day) to the group making plans for
girls' weekend, group dinners, movie nights, 2013 vacation plans, and group
trips. If I thought about something fun we could all do, I wanted to know who
was in. Not everything was met with the same enthusiasm as I was feeling, which
I totally get. Their lives had continued as planned, and Steve and I were the
only ones
in that stall pattern. So, yes, I feel like I have a “normal” life again in the
sense that I can make plans and my daily routines are somewhat consistent
again. As far as feeling “normal,” I am not so sure.
I somewhat equate having cancer to becoming a mom for the 1st time. Aside from the end result and the best thing that has happened to me, childbirth
is painful, exhausting, scary, stressful if you breastfeed, and requires a
recovery period, which for some women can be long and unpleasant. You have faith
that everything will work out and that you will be a good parent. Your life is
never the same after you have a child. Everything changes...from your daily
routine to your relationship with your spouse. You now have a new member of the
family, who will be there throughout the rest of your life. You will worry
about them and care for them until they are able to take care of themselves. There will be a few nights during those first months where the baby cries for no
reason, and it might last for hours or all night. You are literally helpless in
those moments, especially as a new parent. These moments create tension and
fighting since neither of you can comfort the baby properly, and you each feel
like you can do a better job. As the months/years pass by and you settle in
with the new baby and your new “normal,” you forget about the pain, long recovery, stress of
breastfeeding, crying, sleepless nights, etc. It feels a lot like a
dream. Even the struggles of being a new mom that seemed like such a big deal
at the time, seem to fade away and you think, I could totally do this again. No
problem. Let’s have 5 more. Obviously, having a baby and the joy it brings can
in no way compare to having a cancer. You just get caught up in the moment, and
those memories become fuzzy and faded. For me, what I have been through is slowly turning into the dream feeling I
have when I think back to having a baby and those first few months. In the
moment, it’s full of pain, exhaustion, stress, fear, and faith. I remember
feeling sick, having no energy, preparing for more chemo, then radiation, and the feeling of dread that it might never be
over. I had faith that my doctors were making the right treatment path for me. I remember, but as time passes, it becomes less painful of a memory.
Cancer is now a part of my life. I in no way want to forget about what
I have experienced. Could I do it again? If I had to? There will always be an increased chance that I might be asking myself this
question at some future point in my life. But if I had to? Yes, I think I could
do it all over again. Will I want to? Probably not. Will I decide not to? Possibly. I carry the possibility of recurrence with me for the rest of my
life. I take comfort in the fact that it will keep me grounded and focused on
what is truly important. Just like my priorities changed after having
Charlotte, I now have new priorities. I have a completely different perspective
on things now and what I think is important. I try to stop and enjoy the moment
and the little things that happen day-to-day. This day will not be a day that I
celebrate, but will be the day where I reflect and remember back over the difficult
road I traveled.
My relationship with Steve has endured, and we are creating a new and
changing relationship. Going through what we have has not been an easy road. We
continue to work through our changing relationship. A lot of aspects are different now, and we
have to adjust to make it work. But, we are in it for the long haul and as time
passes, I know we will get to a new “normal” here also.
I know there are a lot of individuals out there who have not come out
of this tunnel to the light I now am beginning to experience. So many people reach the
place where treatments are over, but they still have active cancer growing and
spreading throughout their bodies. Too many men/women are dealing with stage IV
cancer, where their treatments have become about the quality of life and are no
longer being told their treatments could be successful. I in no way intend to
take this next phase of my life for granted. I am fully aware that breast cancer
can and does come back. There are women out there who have gone ten plus years
being cancer free, but one day they are facing the same diagnosis, but this time
around it's spreading and becomes metastatic. So many people tell me I am so
brave, inspirational, strong, etc. But, the men and women who are facing
cancer for the rest of their lives are the individuals who should be viewed in
this way. What I went through will be over in about 18 months start to finish. Sure, I have pain and discomfort that might never go away,
lymphedema prevention I have to worry about for the rest of my life, scars, Tamoxifen side effects, etc. None of this seems so bad when you think
about all the other people out there right now looking at an indefinite number
of days, weeks, months, or years with cancer.
The shout out really goes to them. Not me. They should be our
inspiration and the stories that are told.
