The Future of This Blog........It's Going to be an Exciting Journey!!!!

I have been giving a lot of thought to the future of this blog.  Writing is not something that comes natural to me, and it takes time for me to write posts.  I won’t mention my horrible spelling that no matter how hard I focus on still seems to sneak into my writing.  It’s become something we laugh about, because I have totally given up in this area.  My sister, Kelly, and older brother, Darin, are the writers and storytellers of the family.  Definitely not one of my strong suits.  But here I am, giving it a go.  The start of this blog was focused completely on information sharing to help keep everyone informed about how I was doing as I worked through surgery, chemo, radiation and more surgery.  Keeping this blog updated helped us share information without needing to pick up the phone and call a long list of concerned family and friends.  If you are a regular follower, you have probably noticed my updates are not happening with any regularity at this point.  But, I am hoping to change that.

 I have decided to make an exciting shift and share information about nutrition and how I am trying to stay healthy and instill strong health ingrained habits into Charlotte’s life.  Preventing a recurrence of breast cancer is something I feel very strong about, and I am 100% focused on preventing a breast cancer diagnosis for Charlotte.  My fear that Charlotte will be diagnosed in her early 30’s totally drives my thirst for information.  For the last month or so, I have been researching places to study nutrition.  Thanks to a fantastic book I recently read called Kicking Cancer In The Kitchen, I came across The Institute of Integrative Nutrition in NY.  I received a raving recommendation for the program from one of the authors of KCK who was nice enough to share her personal experience attending IIN with me just the other day.  The course is online based and very much geared towards someone who is busy with work and family.  The program will take a little under a year to complete.  I have not signed up yet and am still doing a little research, but I am very excited about this program.  I am pretty sure Steve thinks I am crazy to pursue this.  He already thinks I am spreading myself too thin (sometimes literally too thin) with everything I have going on at work, non-profit, being a good mom, wife, and just life in general.   

I am constantly giving advice.  In reality, advice might not be the right word.  I tend to lecture my family and friends related to what they are eating, and I don’t always have the answers to their questions or have the right response to their resistance.  I know whole grain is good for you, but why?  And what's the big deal with white flour?  Although, I am not quite as opinionated as I was in my early to late 20’s when my big mouth got me in trouble on numerous occasions (if you know me you probably totally have a story you could tell…..please don’t).  Cancer has totally mellowed me and my opinionated mouth, but I am still very passionate about certain things.  Don’t ever get me started on organic milk and why we should care about it.  I have had several heated conversations on this very topic, but I will save organic milk for another day :o)

I have been soaking up information about nutrition like a sponge ever since I read Crazy Sexy Diet by Kris Carr.  I read this book sometime during my 1st phase of chemo when things really started to click, and I started to connect the dots.  As I read through the chapters about dairy, sugars, pH balance, meats, and many more great topics, I started to piece it all together and understand just how important what we eat and put in our bodies really is.  I started telling my friends and sharing the information I learned from this book with others.  I enlisted some friends to take the 21 day cleanse challenge in the fall of last year and again this past January.  Our dear friends and fantastic neighbors, Jeff and Emily, totally embraced the 21 day cleanse, and they have made so many great changes to how they eat on a daily basis.  Emily is my go-to for recipes, and because she is insanely organized and one of those crazy meal planners I always wished I could be, she always has great things to share.   After reading this book, Steve and I started eating more raw vegetables and cut out a large percentage of the red meats we eat.  We are now down to maybe once or twice a month eating red meat, and if I had my way, there would be no more.  We started experiencing the power of the green juice and how it can really make you feel better.  The benefits are so worth giving it a try.  This book is full of bent page corners, tabs, and highlights.  I re-read it often to reinforce why Splenda is bad, the benefits of acid vs. alkaline foods, enzymes, gluten, probiotics, and so much more.  

I hope you will follow me on this journey as I continue to improve, gain, and share knowledge about nutrition and how important is really is to our incredible bodies.

What's New With Me

Hello Friends.  I am sorry I have been a little MIA. I know some of you are starting to get a little worried, but in this case, no news is good news ;o).  Today is a very snowy day here in Maryland, and I am making myself stop and write a little update while Charly is napping, and Steve is out shoveling snow!!

I am doing great post-surgery.  I have pretty much resumed all activities and can pick up Char with ease.  I can always gauge how strong I am when I pick her up, since she is constantly getting heavier.  I still have some pain and pulling on the right side, but I try to listen to my body and take it easy when needed.  I started doing a little yoga, which I love and am so happy to be able to get some good stretching in, but again I have to take it a little easy on that one side.  I am always cautious of what side I am lifting on and try to limit how heavy things are on the right side.  The last few months have been the normal holiday craziness I am sure most of you can relate to.  We had a great holiday with family and friends.  We are doing normal parenting stuff having a two year old with potty training, swimming lessons, etc.

All my follow-up appointments have gone well.  I started Tamoxifen on 1/11/13, so I have officially completed my first full year (with a little break for surgery).  Only nine more, yes nine more, years to go!!!  The hot flashes started a few months ago.  Most of mine happen in the middle of the night with night sweats.  They seem to be stronger and more often around the time of month when my hormones are higher.  Drinking wine also seems to trigger these nasty little disturbances.  If it keeps my cancer from recurring, I will gladly endure the hot flashes.   

My thyroid is still having some trouble getting jumpstarted.   I am on my forth regiment of synthroid, and each time a little increase or decrease is needed.  I am hoping this is just a temporary issue, but with the radiation I had done to the lymph nodes in my neck, this may be something I struggle with for a long time.  I think I am due for another adjustment.  I have been really tired and feel a little run down.  I have a follow-up in a couple of weeks for some blood work.

I have been trying really hard to eat healthy and really limit the amount of processed foods we eat.  It is definitely challenging when life gets busy.  Eating fresh fruits and veggies take dedication, work, and frequent trips to the grocery store.  But, boy can I tell a difference when I am not getting a high level of veggies every day.  Steve and I have been doing a 21 day cleanse where we eliminate all processed foods, animal products, and gluten.  We already try to limit animal products and eat a lot of fresh veggies and grains, but the cleanse gives us a little jumpstart after the holidays.  Meat is something that Steve struggles with giving up, while I rarely miss it.  But, I am only human and sometimes I get a craving for a good organic burger or movie theater popcorn.  If I am not feeling well or am tired, the cravings seem to be stronger, and I can’t always resist the temptation.  Everyone asks me how I get Steve to give up meat and do a cleanse.  I should add that while he will do it, it’s not done silently, and he reminds me on a regular basis how much he misses meat and cheese.  I always say it must have been watching me go through chemo while being sick and bald that gives me a certain level of persuasion.  In reality, it probably has more to do with me harassing him and not wanting to hear my lecture when he is eating something I disapprove of.  A happy wife equals a happy life right?!?  Moderation is a word I hear a lot of people say.  Especially when I am talking about why I don’t eat fast food or drink soda.  A lot of people say it’s all about moderation.  But, what does that really mean?  To me, moderation might mean I eat something once every three months.  Whereas someone else might think eating this same thing once a week or once a day is moderation.  Everyone has a different definition of what moderation means to them.  I think we each have to come to terms with what is really good for our health and not everyone is ready to hear about why something they enjoy is not so good for them.   

What’s next in my journey you might ask?  I need to decide what I am doing about my ovaries.  The opinions seem divided on the pros and cons related to removing them for prevention of both a recurrence and ovarian cancer.  There is a really interesting study taking place at Hopkins that I would be a candidate for.  Some new studies show that ovarian cancer may originate in the fallopian tubes and then spread to the ovaries.  For high risk patients, they are removing the tubes and leaving the ovary function.  This would be a really great alternative since I would not have to deal with the added full blown menopause symptoms.  If I opted to go down this road, it would just be a temporary precaution, and they still recommend I have the ovaries removed around 40, which will be in 2021.  The removal of the tubes is done laparoscopically and is a very minor procedure.  The doctor I talked to is fantastic, and I really liked her a lot.  Part of the study would involve monitoring during the period between tubes and ovary removal, and I would continue to have a pelvic ultrasound every six months.  I still need to think about this and decide how I want to proceed.  That's all I've got for the moment.

 If you are in Maryland, enjoy this beautiful snow day and be safe.

It's Time for Some Updates and Reflection

I am well overdue for a post surgery update.  I am around 12 weeks post surgery at this point.  My incision finally healed at 12 weeks.  When the doctors and nurses tell you that radiation can cause delayed wound healing, they are not exaggerating.  The left side (no radiation) came out of surgery practically healed right away.  The right and radiated side took a bit longer to finally heal.  Because of the delayed healing, I am still on the lifting, pushing, and pulling restrictions.

About two weeks after surgery, I started to notice an infection brewing on the right side, and it quickly gained strength.  I was prescribed two very strong antibiotics, and the infection cleared up in about a week.  The infection caused a lot of pain at the incision site, swelling, redness and was warm to the touch.  I was so relieved to be able to have the external stitches removed around 4 weeks, despite the infection complications.  Having these stitches removed was such a relief, and I started to heal better, but still taking 12 weeks to heal is a long time.  I still have full range of motion, but when I lift heavier things, I really feel the pull in the chest muscles, and I get pretty sore afterwards.  I have my next follow-up in another week, and I am hoping they will lift the restrictions, and I can start to do more things.  I definitely pushed things and overdid it a few times over the last 12 weeks, and I would notice the incision would start weeping, which did not speed up the healing process.  My advice for others who have had reconstruction after radiation, listen to your doctors and don’t push yourself.  It’s easier said than done I know, but there is a reason behind the rules, and the worst thing would have been for the incision to have pulled open requiring yet another surgery.

It’s hard to believe it has been a year since my mastectomy on 10/1/12.  With October being breast cancer awareness month, I have been doing a lot of reflecting back on the past two years since my diagnosis in early 2012.  This coming February will mark 2 full years since my diagnosis.  My life has been a bit crazy, but I think now that I am back to work yet again, we are finally getting into our new “post-cancer” routine.  There are definitely not enough hours in the days or enough days in the week.  I am trying hard to balance everything...family, friends, work, non-profit, plus making time for myself.  I am also learning how to manage my stress level as I try to take things in stride.  I am constantly telling myself to stop, take a deep breath, and don’t stress out.  Most of the things I stressed out about pre-cancer seem so small post-cancer, but it’s a work in progress to re-train myself.  Stress is just as toxic as eating processed foods, so I will eventually get to the point where I can deal with stress in a healthy manner.   

Many people fear the words and you hope and pray you never hear….“you have cancer.”  I can say I have been there and done that, so I no longer fear those three words.  I now fear a new term being directed at me by my oncologist……..”recurrence.”  Now that things have settled down, and I am presumed cancer free, I find myself thinking about this word.  My fear of recurrence is not something I feel consumed with, and I am not sitting around constantly thinking about it, but it is definitely something I think about more often than I probably should.  I also have a higher risk of developing ovarian cancer, which also plays into my thoughts since this is hard to find and detect early.  I think part of my drive and effort I have chosen to put into the non-profit stems from my determination not to focus on my chance of recurrence or feel sad about the changes cancer has brought into my life.  I look at it as, I can work hard trying to help educate the community, or I can be depressed and unhappy.  Every day I am pulling up my boot straps and looking forward to what’s just around the corner.  I feel happy to be here and focusing on the future.  But, it is not without some serious focus that I push my thoughts of recurrence aside.

As I reflected back over the last year or so, I was struck by the love that poured out of so many people.  There were just so many people who reached out and were extremely supportive, and they continue to be there for me as I learn to deal with life post-cancer.  I gained new friendships, had friendships blossom into closer and more connected relationships, and some that did not really stand the test of cancer.  I think most cancer patients can relate to the friendships that didn’t make it through their journey with cancer.  Cancer is a hard thing for people to deal with, and not everyone is able to be there for their friends who are dealing with a cancer diagnosis in the way you need them to be.  Cancer is a hard thing for people to relate to.  I think my perspective about what’s important has also changed, and I don’t really look at things the same way I did two years ago.  In a lot of ways, I am a different friend as well.  Some friendships flourish out of tragedy, while others do not.  But, the friends that do make it through the hard times are the people you keep close, because it’s these friendships that get you through the hard times.

Stay tuned for what’s next in my journey with breast cancer……………………..      

Famiy of 3

I have been struggling with the IVF decision and whether I should proceed with the procedure and harvest my eggs.  I have weighed the pros and cons extensively and still feel torn between more children and the risk associated with massive amounts of hormones needed to get my body ready for the harvest.  I had already decided I would not carry any more children.  IVF, however, could possibly give us the option to have a biological child through a surrogate (if my eggs are even viable, and then transferred and implanted successfully).  I have sadly made the decision not to move forward with this.  It was a tough decision to make and also a difficult thing to come to terms with.  Charlotte was such an easy baby and transitions so well to change.  It would be so fun having another little one around.  I also feel somewhat cheated since from 4-12+ months I was in treatments/recovery and not feeling very good physically.  Although, I spent a lot of time with her, because I was on leave and appreciated the time immensely, I was fighting and struggling through the difficult journey that comes with a cancer diagnosis.

Charlotte is such a blessing, and I am thankful each day for her.  It looks like we will be a family of three for the indefinite future.  Most of my friends are still planning on children, or in some cases expanding their families in the future.  I have promised myself that I will be happy for my friends and enjoy their excitement and planning.  Babies are little miracles and so very special.  I intend to squeeze and snuggle as many as I can.  After all, I can’t lose that baby whispering ability I have that puts all babies to sleep when they are in my arms.  

As I type this post with tears of disappointment and sadness, it is important for both Steve and I to come to terms with this decision.  We need to move forward with our lives enjoying the beautiful child we were able to have and not dwell on what could have been.  We need to enjoy and embrace the life we have now and not take a minute for granted.

I cannot promise Charlotte will not be spoiled, although we have tried our best not to.  Chances are high we will be unsuccessful.

Implant Post-Op

I am a little over one week post-op.  Thursday, 8/1, I had my follow-up with the nurse, and she removed the bandages (ouch) and gave me another rundown about what I should not be doing.  No pushing, pulling, lifting (over 10lbs), overreaching, swimming, sudden movements, stretching, or exercising.  These restrictions could last up to 12 weeks.  I have a follow-up with the surgeon in 4 weeks and hope some of the restrictions will be lifted.  The incisions are healing well.  The cancer side has dissolvable stitches and also 9 stitched on the outside to give some extra protection against the incision opening.  Since this side was blasted with 28 rounds of radiation, there is a potential for the incision to open up and not heal properly.  Overdoing it and overuse of the muscle on that side could also make the implant raise and open up the incision.

The implants look ok.  The cancer side is a little smaller and is definitely holding the implant closer to my chest than the other side.  I probably should have asked to have the expanders stretched bigger on that side so the tightening caused by the radiation would have made them a little more symmetrical.  At this point, it is what it is, and having the expanders removed is a vast improvement.  During the appointment, I forgot to ask what size (cc's) they put in, but when Steve talked to the surgeon after the procedure she mentioned 300 cc's.  That’s about a B after a mastectomy with no other tissue in the breast.  There are some noticeable ripples under the skin, which may go away as swelling goes down.  They could possibly do a fat graft and do a little lipo to inject into the location.  I have to wear a sports bra 24/7 (except for showering) for at least 6 weeks and have to do implant massages 10 times a day.  I am only allowed to do this on the non-cancer side for now.  The cancer side has to be babied for a while to make sure the muscles and incision heals properly.  The risk of capsular contracture is high for the cancer side.  This occurs if the scar or capsule around the implant begins to tighten.  Capsular contracture can be treated in several ways and sometimes requires either removal or scouring of the scar tissue, or perhaps removal or replacement of the implant.  Radiation therapy dramatically increases the risk of tightness around the implant due to radiation fibrosis.  This could mean many additional procedures, but hopefully I will be an exception.

The surgery went smoothly and lasted over 2 hrs.  There was some damage to the muscle from the radiation, so they had to do some extra work on that side.  I was in recovery for awhile, because they had a hard time managing my pain.  The meds they give in recovery work quickly, but wear off just as fast.  I was home by late evening and after eating a little, I was headed to bed.  The first few days the pain was bad, but it has gotten a lot better.  Now, it just feels very tight and sore mainly on the cancer side.  There are still times when it hurts, probably from moving around too much.  Charlotte fell off the couch the other day and my natural instincts had me moving to catch her.  I didn’t make it in time, which was good because just the sudden movement of reaching out hurt pretty bad.  I can’t imagine how painful it would have been if I had actually caught her.  

I will say having an active toddler around has been difficult for recovery.  She is so fun and makes me laugh, but wants to be picked up or held, and she gets a little frustrated with me.  Even though we were always good about taking turns with different things, she has wanted her mommy a little more than usual.  It is hard to send her to daycare while I stay home, but it’s the only way for me to really rest.  It’s a good thing she loves daycare and happily leaves each morning, marching her little butt out the door.

Overall, I am doing well, aside from the limiting restrictions and am feeling better each day.

The Next Steps

Upcoming Surgery:

We are gearing up for Thursday, July 25^th, the date of my exchange procedure and what will hopefully be my final breast surgery.   I am definitely ready for this next step, but not overly excited to recover from yet another surgery.  My surgery will last from 2-3 hours, but I should be home in the early evening hours.  I didn’t have many options for reconstruction.  The implants will sit inside the pectoral muscle that has been stretched by the expanders.  Because I don’t have tissue options to help smooth out the lines, they will probably look pretty defined.  I decided to go with silicone implants as opposed to saline.  Although saline is very safe and are not harmful if they leak, they feel harder and tend to show ripples under the skin in thin women (with the absence of other tissue).  Silicone implants can be harmful if they leak, but cosmetically feel more natural and shouldn’t show ripples under the skin.  After a discussion with my surgeon, I decided silicone is my best option.  I am not sure what size implants I will end up with.  It will all depend on the size of the cavity when they go in.  Most likely, I will be a big A or a small B.  Although I am a little disappointed with the size, implants of any size will be so much better than these rock hard coconuts I have right now.  There are definitely some perks to having small tatas.  The recovery is around 4-6 weeks.  Just like my surgery in October, I won’t be able to lift Charlotte for six weeks, which will be hard.  She is going through a mommy only phase, but we are hoping she can handle my being less active than normal.  

More Baby Yales:

Steve and I have talked on and off about future children and if they are something we want to peruse.  I will be on Tamoxifen until I am 37, and most likely, with the new studies showing 10 years is better than 5, until I am 42.  Put this on top of the highly recommended oophorectomy I should get by the age of 40, there is not a lot of opportunity for more children.  We decided to talk to a specialist and assess our options.  I went in thinking the worst, but it ended up not being as hopeless as we thought.  We actually have a few options.  The first step will be to check and see if my eggs are viable.  I am not sure when that will be just yet, but it could be soon depending on when my plastic surgeon gives her blessing, and we may have some options available.  Charlotte is by far the best thing that has happened to us, and although we are open to hearing our options, we may not end up pursuing them.  If she is an only child, she will be loved and surrounded by lots of caring people.  Although, I do worry about spoiling her a little too much given what we have been through.

This blog:

I started this blog to keep family and friends updated on my treatment plan and how I was doing.  That continues to be the purpose of this blog.  Although, Pushing Pink Elephants, the nonprofit, is gaining momentum and is pretty much what I spend my free time on, this blog will be separate from the great organization Carey and I (alongside other great individuals) have created.  This blog is my personal story and the Pushing Pink Elephants organization will soon have its own blog (not me) helping push awareness, and the mission of the organization.  I am not sure how long my blog will continue, but I feel I should follow it through my path with breast cancer, especially for other women who are following or are starting their own journey with BC.  I will try and keep updates going as I make it through this long journey.  And it has been a long one.  Sunday I signed the hood of the demolition derby breast cancer truck that will run at the Cecil County Fair later this week.  Under my signature I wrote the date 2/10/12, which was 17 months ago.  That seems like such a long time ago, and the journey continues…………  

www.pushingpinkelephants.org

I have a few things to update you on related to my upcoming surgery, future baby Yales, general info on how I am doing, and the future of this blog.  In the meantime, check out the Pushing Pink Elephants website at www.pushingpinkelephants.org.  We have lots of great information we hope you will find informative and very helpful.  Stay connected by liking us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/PushingPinkElephants.  I will post an update here soon!!!!