When you are diagnosed with cancer I think most of us think about the past and how we have missed out on things by not being “present” and “In the moment”. Sometimes life just gets so busy or crazy and you get into auto pilot mode and just push through. It’s kind of like that 1st year of your child’s life that goes by so fast it’s a blur and you thank God for all the photo’s you took so you can look back and remember. But you forget how all the baby snuggles felt or how tired you were during wakeful nights of teething or tummy aches. Those moments just go by so quickly and life really moves fast. Remember being young and just wishing the time away so that you could be older, get your drivers license, date someone, drink with friends, party, go to college, graduate, go to clubs, get married, have kids, land that awesome job. The list gets longer and longer, in no particular order. And then all those moments happen and you forget the details and you take a pause and its 30+ years later. Where did life go? I think I barrel rolled through life and have now stopped at the ripe old age of 37 saying holy shit where has time gone and oh by the way, I have cancer. Not to mention I no longer have a career in my field of profession. With cancer life is like a double sided sword. You want to remember all those moments of the past, be present in the NOW and experience all the moments of the future before Cancer takes your life and you can no longer experience the “moments”. This is the struggle!
On occasion I attend a stage 4 breast cancer support group meeting for young survivors. I don’t go every month but try to go when I can. At one of the meetings the topic was meditation and they were giving out a book called “being well (even when you are sick) mindfulness practices for people with cancer and other serious illnesses by Elana Rosenbaum. I had already read about how beneficial meditation could be for stress and anxiety and I had down loaded the “Head Space” free app on my phone so I knew the very basics. This book had me hooked and I continued to read other books by Elana Rosenbaum and Jon Kabat-Zinn about mindfulness and meditation. Amazing writers who really explain the interworking’s of meditation from starting, staying the course and making it apart of your everyday. Back ground on me and books….. I highlight, underline, turn down pages, write in the margins and pretty much take over the written page when something really resonates with me.
Some of my favorite quotes from Being well by Elana:
“Mindfulness creates harmony and brings joy – if we also allow ourselves to experience sadness”
‘My motto became “Yes to life and all that’s in it.” – YES to embracing life for sure!!
“To remain balances, we’re constantly adjusting our position, shifting gears, and altering your pace and speed.”
Each time you catch yourself flying into the arms of fear and are willing to examine it, respect its power, and breathe with it, you are letting it move around you like molecules of air”.
“Our task in being mindful is to create a foundation that is stable and calm, so our dream is reality experienced every day and throughout the day, moment by moment.”
“Each breath that we feel and follow as it enters and leaves the body is a reminder of our aliveness and the preciousness of each moment.”
“Change can happen in a flash, but acceptance is a process”.
“How often do we worry about a future that may never happen instead of the ground beneath our feet?”
“On a moment-to-moment basis, reality is manageable; staying in my head and imagining what could happen is not”.
Just like all things in life, it’s hard to make new habits that last. Taking 10 minutes out of your day to sit quietly with your thoughts with no judgement isn’t easy. I always thought meditation was to be quiet and control your thoughts. This is totally wrong and of course hard if not totally impossible to actually do. Your thoughts are your thoughts, they come and they go. Maybe they even linger. Your past is your past, it happened and it’s over. We all have issues and things that have happened in our past that lay on us. Unresolved issues with others, family traumas, life’s disappointments/failures, maybe fear of cancer or illness….. you name it. We ALL have them!
I really love the time and space I make to sit and be quite. I personally prefer guided meditations so my thoughts can be pulled back when they start to stray. I have found a great deal of peace in breathing and listening to my breath. I often feel the need to take deep and cleansing breaths during all kinds of situations and moments. Kind of like a re-set, I got this, focusing on the now not the later, slow down and just breathing. I found that just being mindful of breathing has been an amazing discovery. I actually held my breath until I had to take a breath. I am not sure if this is normal for everyone, but I feel like I never breathed correctly before.
My anxiety can be off the hook. Fear is the most debilitating feeling in your life. I come from a family where anxiety is a real issue, especially social anxiety. I think I evolved to just push through and push those feelings of anxiety down deep inside. I never learned to cope or deal with stress and anxiety in a healthy way. I always just pushed through the feelings and ignored them. Most people see me as outgoing, energetic (sometimes hyper), talkative and happy. The hyper part definitely was true (not sure I have much hype these days) and the happiness!! I have truly been a happy and positive person throughout most of my adult life, aside from a handful of personal experiences where I was truly unhappy with how things were going or the way they were turning out (at least I think I have been happy ;o) I embrace change and I LOVE to love people and pass out HUGs!!!! Don’t get me wrong, I am for sure not “happy” all the time, just ask Steve. My smile can be deceiving sometimes and I smile a lot. This in all honesty is part of my problem. To quote my girl tribe and at times my Oncologist have said something to the effect of, “its ok to not be ok, and it’s ok to be selfish and think about yourself and complain if you need too”. I totally say that I am “ok” more often then I should. Can you be a “happy” person who makes friends, has a fun time, but at the same time has anxiety??? Absofreekinglutly you can. It all comes down to how you handle the pressure, and if you let it control what you do. I never let it stop me from having a fun time or meeting new people. I just didn’t address it at all. I do not recommend you do this if you have anxiety. Deal with it now, don’t wait till it overtakes you 30 some years later.
Somehow I survived 2012 and 2013 without major anxiety melt downs. I remember my Oncologist offering to give me medication but I kept saying No and that I was ok. Again, I think I just pushed through the same way I did in all the years prior. I focused on that light at the end of the tunnel that was the end of treatment. However, I no longer have the capacity in my body to push it down anymore. Nor do I have a “light” that signifies end in treatment. My anxiety now will come out of no wear, and when it does it is dark and debilitating. It’s almost like a silent, crushing panic attach. It is normally not situational or social. Then the tears come and for someone who always pushes down their emotions it’s hard to deal with that part of myself also. Endless scans which have historically not been super positive and on-going chemo days naturally cause some anxiety. I think I manage those times ok, although maybe I am pushing that down and do not come to terms with the “feels” like I should. This may in turn create these out of the blue “episodes” I get. But, the time has COME for me to deal with it and that is where meditation has saved me to a certain extent (caveat…..when I am consistent).
When I started meditating past experiences surfaced which is totally normal. But you come face to face with yourself and begin to see how things were in the past, how they are now and how much better they could be in the future. It takes time and patience to see the benefits. You have to make time for it and really “practice it” to get into the right place. And eventually you get to a place of peace. You learn techniques to calm the crazy. And honestly sometimes it’s just a deep set of breaths that bring you back to the now when your mind is racing.
This turned into way more then I intended. Today is a chemo day and I went solo (without a chemo buddy) so I had a lot of time to go off on this tangent. All I really wanted to say is, regardless of what you are going through in life, meditation; breathing and being mindful can have an amazing positive influence in your life. I know I come from this extreme cancer side of life and so many of the books I have read deal with cancer or major illnesses. But, meditation is not only for those who have to deal with cancer. Meditation is a gift we are all capable of that sits patiently inside of each and every one of us. You may be experiencing a loss; loss of a friend, family member, child. Maybe you are going through a major life change or dealing with a family crisis. Meditation can help with so many aspects of your life.
I honestly wrote this to get myself back on track and inspire myself to continue the journey and get back to those quite (although not always mind quite) times each day. I hope you feel inspired to pick up a book about meditation, down load the “headspace” app, or just start sitting with eyes closed, breathing deep and even for 5 min. Take the leap into a new space that may help you deal with all kinds of issues and situations. If you take anything away from this post please give meditation a try. It can truly be an amazing journey and I guarantee your perception of meditation/mindfulness is far from the actual truth.
Don’t forget, “Shine Brightly, Live Happily & Smile!”
On occasion I attend a stage 4 breast cancer support group meeting for young survivors. I don’t go every month but try to go when I can. At one of the meetings the topic was meditation and they were giving out a book called “being well (even when you are sick) mindfulness practices for people with cancer and other serious illnesses by Elana Rosenbaum. I had already read about how beneficial meditation could be for stress and anxiety and I had down loaded the “Head Space” free app on my phone so I knew the very basics. This book had me hooked and I continued to read other books by Elana Rosenbaum and Jon Kabat-Zinn about mindfulness and meditation. Amazing writers who really explain the interworking’s of meditation from starting, staying the course and making it apart of your everyday. Back ground on me and books….. I highlight, underline, turn down pages, write in the margins and pretty much take over the written page when something really resonates with me.
Some of my favorite quotes from Being well by Elana:
“Mindfulness creates harmony and brings joy – if we also allow ourselves to experience sadness”
‘My motto became “Yes to life and all that’s in it.” – YES to embracing life for sure!!
“To remain balances, we’re constantly adjusting our position, shifting gears, and altering your pace and speed.”
Each time you catch yourself flying into the arms of fear and are willing to examine it, respect its power, and breathe with it, you are letting it move around you like molecules of air”.
“Our task in being mindful is to create a foundation that is stable and calm, so our dream is reality experienced every day and throughout the day, moment by moment.”
“Each breath that we feel and follow as it enters and leaves the body is a reminder of our aliveness and the preciousness of each moment.”
“Change can happen in a flash, but acceptance is a process”.
“How often do we worry about a future that may never happen instead of the ground beneath our feet?”
“On a moment-to-moment basis, reality is manageable; staying in my head and imagining what could happen is not”.
Just like all things in life, it’s hard to make new habits that last. Taking 10 minutes out of your day to sit quietly with your thoughts with no judgement isn’t easy. I always thought meditation was to be quiet and control your thoughts. This is totally wrong and of course hard if not totally impossible to actually do. Your thoughts are your thoughts, they come and they go. Maybe they even linger. Your past is your past, it happened and it’s over. We all have issues and things that have happened in our past that lay on us. Unresolved issues with others, family traumas, life’s disappointments/failures, maybe fear of cancer or illness….. you name it. We ALL have them!
I really love the time and space I make to sit and be quite. I personally prefer guided meditations so my thoughts can be pulled back when they start to stray. I have found a great deal of peace in breathing and listening to my breath. I often feel the need to take deep and cleansing breaths during all kinds of situations and moments. Kind of like a re-set, I got this, focusing on the now not the later, slow down and just breathing. I found that just being mindful of breathing has been an amazing discovery. I actually held my breath until I had to take a breath. I am not sure if this is normal for everyone, but I feel like I never breathed correctly before.
My anxiety can be off the hook. Fear is the most debilitating feeling in your life. I come from a family where anxiety is a real issue, especially social anxiety. I think I evolved to just push through and push those feelings of anxiety down deep inside. I never learned to cope or deal with stress and anxiety in a healthy way. I always just pushed through the feelings and ignored them. Most people see me as outgoing, energetic (sometimes hyper), talkative and happy. The hyper part definitely was true (not sure I have much hype these days) and the happiness!! I have truly been a happy and positive person throughout most of my adult life, aside from a handful of personal experiences where I was truly unhappy with how things were going or the way they were turning out (at least I think I have been happy ;o) I embrace change and I LOVE to love people and pass out HUGs!!!! Don’t get me wrong, I am for sure not “happy” all the time, just ask Steve. My smile can be deceiving sometimes and I smile a lot. This in all honesty is part of my problem. To quote my girl tribe and at times my Oncologist have said something to the effect of, “its ok to not be ok, and it’s ok to be selfish and think about yourself and complain if you need too”. I totally say that I am “ok” more often then I should. Can you be a “happy” person who makes friends, has a fun time, but at the same time has anxiety??? Absofreekinglutly you can. It all comes down to how you handle the pressure, and if you let it control what you do. I never let it stop me from having a fun time or meeting new people. I just didn’t address it at all. I do not recommend you do this if you have anxiety. Deal with it now, don’t wait till it overtakes you 30 some years later.
Somehow I survived 2012 and 2013 without major anxiety melt downs. I remember my Oncologist offering to give me medication but I kept saying No and that I was ok. Again, I think I just pushed through the same way I did in all the years prior. I focused on that light at the end of the tunnel that was the end of treatment. However, I no longer have the capacity in my body to push it down anymore. Nor do I have a “light” that signifies end in treatment. My anxiety now will come out of no wear, and when it does it is dark and debilitating. It’s almost like a silent, crushing panic attach. It is normally not situational or social. Then the tears come and for someone who always pushes down their emotions it’s hard to deal with that part of myself also. Endless scans which have historically not been super positive and on-going chemo days naturally cause some anxiety. I think I manage those times ok, although maybe I am pushing that down and do not come to terms with the “feels” like I should. This may in turn create these out of the blue “episodes” I get. But, the time has COME for me to deal with it and that is where meditation has saved me to a certain extent (caveat…..when I am consistent).
When I started meditating past experiences surfaced which is totally normal. But you come face to face with yourself and begin to see how things were in the past, how they are now and how much better they could be in the future. It takes time and patience to see the benefits. You have to make time for it and really “practice it” to get into the right place. And eventually you get to a place of peace. You learn techniques to calm the crazy. And honestly sometimes it’s just a deep set of breaths that bring you back to the now when your mind is racing.
This turned into way more then I intended. Today is a chemo day and I went solo (without a chemo buddy) so I had a lot of time to go off on this tangent. All I really wanted to say is, regardless of what you are going through in life, meditation; breathing and being mindful can have an amazing positive influence in your life. I know I come from this extreme cancer side of life and so many of the books I have read deal with cancer or major illnesses. But, meditation is not only for those who have to deal with cancer. Meditation is a gift we are all capable of that sits patiently inside of each and every one of us. You may be experiencing a loss; loss of a friend, family member, child. Maybe you are going through a major life change or dealing with a family crisis. Meditation can help with so many aspects of your life.
I honestly wrote this to get myself back on track and inspire myself to continue the journey and get back to those quite (although not always mind quite) times each day. I hope you feel inspired to pick up a book about meditation, down load the “headspace” app, or just start sitting with eyes closed, breathing deep and even for 5 min. Take the leap into a new space that may help you deal with all kinds of issues and situations. If you take anything away from this post please give meditation a try. It can truly be an amazing journey and I guarantee your perception of meditation/mindfulness is far from the actual truth.
Don’t forget, “Shine Brightly, Live Happily & Smile!”
Today after chemo & school - Soaking up some warm sunshine!
